dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
