are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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