My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
