just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Found your dick twin last night
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
