you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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