I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
