who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
