So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
