I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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