She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
