well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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