Your dad touched me again.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
