Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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