I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
being pregnant is like rehab
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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