I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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