My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
