what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
