I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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