Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
