I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
