I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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