Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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