I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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