Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
