i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
