I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
