wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
