The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
