If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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