My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
