Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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