I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
