I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
