I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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