Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
