Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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