When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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