hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
