her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
