I just pynch a tree in the face
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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