fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I wannas sexs uuuuu
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
