you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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