One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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