You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
