I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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