Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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