Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
