and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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