Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
