maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
