I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
is that a dick in a sweater?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
