I hate all girls vehemently.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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