she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
