1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
